I'm OK.
For anyone who knows me, you must have thought that last post was written by someone else and that the Willo you know had been taken hostage while this psycho depressed person took over my blog. :)
Yes, I'm usually pretty up & positive... I mean look at this site! That post should have had a little cloud with rain over it in the midst of my happy lil' site. In fact, I really can't help but be quite a happy positive person... to me it just feels so good :) I suppose that's a really positive attribute to have. But, it's also one that I've been working on from a stand point of "I don't have to be super up & happy all the time" and "it's perfectly ok to be sad, upset and downright pissed off at times". So there... I guess I can only salute my sadness for allowing it to be. And really all it takes these days is an hour of full out, uncontrollable sobbing and I usually come up to see the sunshine around me again.
Everything will be ok. I know that. Change is hard... but it can also be really good in the long run. In fact, life always seems to get better & better... so I know that all these changes will sooner or later show their true face of why they came to be and I'll find myself in a place, job, relationship, town that is just right and I'll be thankful for the change that led me there.
Change builds character (I know that's an old standby parents used from the days of having to shovel the snow out of the driveway when you were 11 and all you could do was have a temper tantrum cuz you really just wanted to stay indoors and watch tv where it was warm and cozy), but it's true. This whole process of Matt & I separating after 4 and 1/2 years. (gulp) and my moving to a new place - and some other possible changes on the horizon that I won't go into just now... it's all just strengthening my resilience within myself. My confidence, my self-awareness of my emotions through it all... and I know that I am very strong and I will rise up to meet these challenges head on and make it through. Most likely with flying colors... cuz I'd like to think I'm lucky that way. I make magical lists and life is gracious enough to guide me to my next step.
I also want to admit here (in the mire of my negative thoughts, this is one I must spit out so it stops rotting in my brain) that I'm not a writer. I don't claim to be one... so sometimes I feel like these rants are so poorly written. I'm surrounded by such amazing writers - and I read other blogs where I'm so impressed with the way it's written that they're poetic to me. Myself, I just write as I would most likely talk. I think I've gotten better with my writing - but these posts I don't often edit... I'm just spitting out words.
Also if you've read my blog for any time.. you'll know that I don't usually get this personal or deep or revealing with my feelings. Or maybe I have? Who knows. But I do know that I've never been that comfortable exposing my sad or less than happy & perfect feelings. But more and more lately I am getting more comfortable with that... and I think it's a good thing. It's allowing myself to be vulnerable and open and expressive - and to not give a shit what others think. The best part about raw emotion is that you've felt it too. We've all had major sadness - extreme happiness - heartache - illness - death - you name it. In fact I know that my problems are totally minuscule compared to others!!!! I know that sooo well - so much that I insist on calling myself a big fat crybaby at times cuz I know that my problems - me with the beautiful little garden flat all my own, a fuzzy kitty, a nice car and good health - are nothing to be compared to those who have nothing or are against much more threatening odds. But we all understand the struggle of this life... the struggle to have a will that sometimes seems so much greater than we have the strength for. And most of us choose to continue to put one foot in front of the other. And in the end, hopefully for most, it will all be ok.
p.s. Thanks so much to those of you who emailed with your support and concern. that's the best part about getting brave enough to express my sadness, is that there are lovely people out there willing to lend a hand and give a hug. i love that!! it gives me such warm fuzzies... not to mention such great hope in our human race to band together. xooxox
Yesterday, my darling and beautiful friend Robin was just a phone call away and helped me talk through it all. She had a similar situation about 2 years ago, and at the time I had wished more than anything I could make her pain go away. But the cards knew what they were doing, as Robin is now married and in a different town with a different job and a new puppy and happy as ever. so change as hard as it is... it all works out somewhere down the line.
p.s.s. I'll post my review of lastnights show a bit later. :)
