mourning and rebirth
Last night I had a really intense dream:It started in this strange house where I felt like a refugee, and I had packed up all of my most important things and was planning a get away. Not a vacation, but truly an *escape*. At first the packing was fun, and kind of all about organization in terms of my important things... deciding what would stay, what would go... but having to be very selective in packing my bag in preparation for what was to come. But as I finished I started feeling the severity of my having to leave. I had to leave quickly, and I couldn't get caught or I would die instantly.
I started to feel confused and scared that I wasn't going to do it right. So I asked someone and when they saw me & my packed bag, they told me that I actually couldn't take any belongings with me at all. That all I could take was the clothing I wore on my body "when I walked through to the other side", and I would have to start over from there...if I made it.
This of course was super stressful... I had to leave everything behind? I couldn't comprehend how I could do that...just start over with nothing? But it was the only way. Apparently I'd be lucky to make it as it was, and if I had any sort of additional bag (baggage) with me, I was sure to die (fail).
Next thing I knew there was something about being in my old hometown - or some city, but I was with an old friend of mine I grew up with in my hometown. She was in trouble, and I had to help her escape and get out of harms way. Something was chasing her, but by my trying to help her, I had to escape from this scary thing, too. It was really scary and chaotic, and we were running through a city trying to find places to hide, and every once and awhile I'd hear her screaming and running again, so I'd frantically try to tell her to just stop & find a good place to hide and to stay still, but it didn't seem like she was listening... she was too scared to stay still. And I couldn't stop and be quiet and stay still either because I had to keep chasing her to keep her safe. It was very scary. Whatever was going to catch us would kill us. :(
Segue into a different part of the dream and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. This was no longer about the friend though, but I did have someone there near me. As I realized this other person was there, and tried to pull myself together, I felt like they knew why I was crying, and were more accepting of it than I was... but I wasn't quite sure at first why I was soooo sad. My vision was blurred with tears and my face was soaked and felt red from sobbing so hard... and I sobbed for a long time before I could just barely pull it together enough to get words out to this other person about why I was so sad.
When it finally came to me, I realized that I had decided to take the route in my escape that would just kill me instantly - basically deciding to die by choice instead of risk it - and I was sobbing and crying over having to say goodbye to this life that I've known.
While I was talking it out, though, I realized it wasn't actually the only option. That I didn't necessarily have to die, or have it be sad. That I *could* try to "walk through to the other side" and escape (without a bag), and I could make it through alive and continue my life.
I thought about this possibility, and how intensely I had been crying, and how sad I felt at the thought of just having to say goodbye to it all. And the possibility of trying felt better...and I felt like if I could just get to the other side, I wouldn't be sad... and I wouldn't feel so unsafe anymore, because I would have already done it and gotten it over with. So I decided to go for it and try.
I walked outside, towards "the line" and the last thing I remember was seeing a circle of people, all holding hands and kind of praying or something. And it made me feel safer, like these people had also had to consider this same challenge, and they were at peace with the decision they had made. Some were going to die, but a lot of them were going to cross over, too... and I kind of felt this feeling like whatever route I chose it would be OK, but that I had decided to try, and the other side was full of possibility.
