sadness is dramatic...
Lastnight I wrote that (previous post) and took a long hot shower, instead of eating the rest of the pint of ice cream in my fridge :) so thank you therapeutic blog!Talk about working it out... lastnight my head decided to keep processing this breakup, with yet another crazy dream:
I had gone to Rick's office... and it's unclear what happened in the beginning, but eventually I remember he was really upset... upset to see me there, even though I was doing it for him (that part of the dream coming later). But there was something more, something about him being upset about seeing me a few times recently, and him feeling like it wasn't fair, because he didn't choose to, and it only hurt him to see me. But then I got mad, feeling vulnerable and scolded that I had been caught trying to see him and be around him, so I hit this wall next to us and stormed off crying.
He followed after me and told me he had been wanting to see me, too.. but that it was just too hard. I think at this point he was crying... and so we decided we just better go take care of the paperwork... which was why I was there. We walked to the front office - which felt more like a school than an office building. Lots of overweight chipper office ladies who you could tell had been there for years, and probably had their lunch in tupperware in the lounge.
I was there to sign a document that said we were no longer together. Apparently, his boss said that without me, he could pay him whatever he wanted... so by signing this, he was going to get a huge raise, but it meant us having to say goodbye.
The whole process of making sure we had the right form, and every single line filled out and signed correctly was really emotional for both of us. When Rick instructed the secretary to do something, his voice was shaking and you could tell they were all very sympathetic to our situation and felt our sadness.
After that he walked me out of the building to say goodbye... but when I was leaving they had this odd exit where you had to put a card through. Mine had been updated as saying I was going on 'extended leave', and the lady at the turnstile exclaimed, "Oh! You're going on vacation! How exciting!" And Rick and I just had to go along with it... muster up smiles and nod back at her. However, the card had also rung up that I was going to have to pay her $58.99 to leave... but she liked us and immediately changed it to zero and let me out for free. I don't remember saying goodbye to Rick, I just remember being glad I didn't have to pay that exit fee on top of all of the anguish I'd been through on that visit.
Later that day I went back to his office, to return this paperwork I had found that allowed me to come and visit some day. I remember feeling kind of like I shouldn't go back, but I had found it while cleaning things out and felt like I shouldn't throw it away... and I also wanted to drop it off as a gesture that I wanted to be invited back at some point, and to let him know I wasn't feeling ok with being away forever. But as I dropped it off, the office ladies realized it was the old form (not under the new codes) and that he would have/could have just asked for a new one... making me feel like I shouldn't have gone out there again. But the office ladies were being comforting. I didn't see Rick at all... and when I went to go leave again, I was afraid I would get charged... but I didn't. I don't remember what else happened, but I had gone through the whole traumatic exit/are they going to charge me scenario about 5 times in the dream. At one point realizing I no longer had the "gold card" to come in & out as I pleased. And each time I left, I was more and more weary of ever coming back since it felt like every time I did I didn't feel like I would be able to get out without getting prosecuted.
:::::
Alright.. time for coffee.
