bittersweet ending
Last New Years Eve was great.. and the days that followed it were some of the first days I felt myself falling in love with Rick. Such a magical time... where time just falls away, ya know?In general I'm not one to get all excited for these national/global type holidays (july 4, halloween, etc) but, here it is the last day of the *best* year I've *ever* had, and I'm a little sad.
So I suppose it's a better time than any to get this out (now that it's been about a month...) I've been a bit of a chicken spilling it, but quite a few of you are putting the clues together on your own. So here it goes:
Rick and I have split up.
dundudundun! There I spilled it! Now, for the inevitable FAQ (answers to the most common responses):
"Awww, I'm sorry... Are you OK?"
Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. It is, of course, very sad... for both of us. We had an *incredible* year together... One that I will never forget! But, without going into many details, let's just say there were a few things we knew all along that might be a problem for the two of us to be long term. Granted, the reality and magnitude of our relationship was quite a (delightful) surprise, so it really didn't even come to the forefront until about 6 months ago when I realized I wanted to start asking those long term questions, but since then we(I) have been trying to see if it's something we could work out, but in the end we just couldn't.
It sucks... relationships ending always sucks. But I swear one of the hardest things for me is telling other people. If any of you have ever had a break up with someone you love, then you know what I'm talking about. Thing is, whenever telling someone the news, you often have to deal with the myriad of their emotional fears and concerns. And honestly, that get's exhausting and frustrating. There's no way I can sum up everything to have it make sense for each & every one of you... it just didn't work out.
I think I'm extra sensitive to this because I am someone who will work on a relationship and make things work to a fault. I take it very seriously and I *want* a wonderful relationship in my life, so saying goodbye to something this incredible wasn't something I took lightly. Believe you me, if I could have just blindly enjoyed more time with him without thinking about the future then I would! My heart just wouldn't allow it. Darn heart! :p
The best response I've received so far was from my darling friend Karrie, who lives in NYC. She came right out & said,
"You know, this is going to sound harsh, but I'm not sorry to hear about your break up. I hate when people say they are sorry about a decision you made for yourself. You know what it best for you and I trust that this is not what was best for you right now. I think you're terribly brave for listening to yourself and allowing yourself to grow. So, I say congratulations and I'm here if you need me!"
AWESOME!! I love you, Karrie!!
So, bottom line is of course I'm sad... but it is what it is. Both Rick & I are not destitute or anything - we both are fully aware that we're in such kick ass parts of our lives, that the only way is up. We were really close for each other, and that's a great sign! We're still friends and you may even see us at shows together still... I can't just give up my best friend cold turkey! :)
"Do you want to talk about it?"
No, I don't want to talk about it. What do you think I've been doing for the last 6 months? I've thought, talked and cried enough thank you very much! :) Now I just want to hole up and not have to deal with people. Just for now. Don't worry - I'm sure I'll be back to myself and out on the town in no time.
So, tonite has a bit of mourning in it for me.. and that's OK. There's plenty of New Year's Eve's ahead - and no doubt many will be great.
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Here's a big smile and a *cheers* to all of you! To a New Year FULL of pleasant surprises! Life sure knows how to dish em, and my arms are open wide! :)
Oh - p.s. The coolest thing is: It's 2005!! (5 is my favorite number :p)
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!! xoxoxoxo
