a few things
I'm crankin away on a deadline today so I'm hardly on IM or email at all... and I have BAM later - oy! But quickly I'll say hello...Yesterday my ex, Mateo, came over for a little Kazoobie bday celebration. Kazoo got some nice new treats, kitty grass, yummy wet food, fuzzy mice and a even few other toys! Way to go, Dad! (Kazoo's Dad = Mateo) (yes, we're crazy for our kitties)
Kazoo had a GREAT time and we played with his mouse and ball and he chomped on some grass and a few treats. Once again, the FP is a lucky lil' guy and I just love him to pieces. It's nice that Matt does too - cuz not everyone understands that bond and love between you and your pet. He's seriously like my first born, except I hope that I don't yell at my real kids "Can you stop it? You're driving me crazy!" That would be bad.
Seeing Matt was good - he looks good, but we didn't have much to talk about. He didn't ask me anything about me, which I guess means he just doesn't wanna hear it. So I tried to make conversation, but it's all very simple surface chatter that doesn't go anywhere before we just start playing or talking to Kazoo again. How dumb. How could I have been with the guy for 4.5 years and now we can't even hold up a f*ing conversation? It's annoying. There's also just little parts of our conversations where I'm reminded how he used to be. Traits I don't miss, like how I feel like he's somehow mildly making fun of me or putting me down - even when he says the simplest things. I mean, maybe these things he says is his way of trying to relate and joke with me, but instead it comes across as derogatory. ug... I don't miss that at all. But I know it's not his fault, and it certainly doesn't make him a bad person - as I still love him very much and the man has got an absolute heart of gold... but it just makes me clearer on why we weren't meant to be. I also just kinda thought that we'd be better friends. That we could still get along and hang out and be in eachothers lives. But that's proving to be difficult and unrealistic. Wierd.
In my frustration I want to say something or pull words out of him somehow.. make him open up instead of being so reserved and "safe" in our communication. But that's exhausting, and I feel like I did that for a lot of years and it's not my responsibility nor is it necessary to extend that energy anymore. He is who he is and I am who I am and if it's not natural for us to communicate and be in eachother's lives, I can't push it.
:( It makes me sad a little, but it takes a long time sitting and thinking about it to get to the sadness. It's covered in a lot of disappointment and an overall "oh well" shrug of letting it go. It is what it is.
But yesterday zapped me a little. After he left and I went on to dinner, I wasn't myself.. and for some reason I felt very alone. Even though I was sitting across from my new wonderful boy who was taking me out for a wonderful dinner, I felt very alone and quiet and even a little insecure.
But, luckily R is good with me when I get in my little temporary funks. And I think he's realizing that even though I may not be able to put it into words at the time, that I'm very accutely aware of being off. And after I can finally bring myself to talk about my feeling off, it usually then only takes me another 10 or 20 minutes to find the words to express what I'm feeling. Which makes me feel better... and I think it's awesome to be able to communicate it with him so he can understand me better. He's really such a good honey.
I wanted to write about a few more things, but I didn't expect all that to come out so long :) So I'm gonna leave it at that & maybe write more later.
xoxo
