The Breakup (Posted February 2004)
Ok... I realize I never really wrote out what happened w/ Matt & I... When it was all going down, I just didn't know what was going to happen with us. And I knew he was reading my blog periodically, so I didn't feel comfortable in summing it all up and having him read that, ya know?Well, now it's 2004 - and I'm feeling enough distance from it all that I think I can safely spill the summary now. So for those of you who are curious or searching back for "the story" - here ya go:
Basically we'd been dating for 4.5 years (1999 to mid 2003 - and living together for 2.5 years of that) and after all that time we just weren't sure we wanted to take the next step: Marriage.
That's the simple story for it anyway. There's always many, many layers to a relationship - and we both learned a lot about who we are and what we're looking for. And really, we were really close for eachother... so close that it's not like any one big thing happened for us to split up... it was just more about realizing we needed to be honest with ourselves and be strong enough to explore the alternative, before another 4.5 years went by.
I had some doubts about him being "the one" over the years - and as I got older and was learning more and more about myself and what I wanted in life, I just wasn't feeling like it was right. Granted, I could picture it for sure. I wanted more than anything to believe it could work, because I loved him very much... but as I got more direct with questioning myself - and him - we realized we might want to try seperating for awhile and see if that distance helped clear it up.
For the months surrounding it, before and after, it was absolutely heart breaking. And dissapointing and scary and all of that. I felt like we'd worked so hard for something for so many years... we'd seen so many friends get married and have babies... I loved his family and my family absolutely adores him. It was hard to believe it was coming to an end.. but the closer it got, the more it felt like as hard as it was... it was what I needed to do for me. And I had to believe that if we were truly meant for eachother, that a seperation wouldn't keep us apart.
Well, seperating did clear it up. A lot. I can see very clearly now why we had to go our seperate ways. But it's still very hard for me to even say that because of that small part of me that for some reason still to this day wants to believe all those years, forming such a wonderful bond with one person, weren't just a waste of time. But that's something I've learned too. It wasn't a waste at all... and I know that in my heart and who I am today. I learned so much in that relationship! I feel very fortunate to have had Matt in my life. He's SUCH an amazing person... it breaks my heart to think about how much I love him still. How much I wish I could make him happy and have us be happy together. We had such a wonderful, loving, and fun relationship.
We still talk... but we don't see eachother much. I think it's a little hard to be around eachother still. I sometimes feel like we don't really have much in common anymore... Except we'll always have one thing in common - our love for our kitty Kazoobie. Matt got me Kazoo and we raised him for the first 2 years of his life, since he was just a weee little 4 week old meeper! Matt will always be Kazoo's Daddy, and I'm glad that he wants to stay in his life so much because honestly he's the one person that can understand my absolute head over heals love for my kitty :)
So it's a good thing. It was sad - but now I'm really clear on it and happy and free!!!
I'm enjoying my time on my own so much I can hardly believe it. I am doing a ton of fun things like going to shows and meeting new people... things that I always wanted to do more, but Matt didn't like to do all the time.
I love, love, love my little home all to myself.. and my kitty and I have formed this amazing bond that I never thought possible.
I am not looking for another relationship anytime soon! Right now I'm sorta dating this guy - but even that is SO not anything... we're just having fun & it's just for now (and yes, we both know that). I like to consider myself still totally free and single and NOT looking. I am too busy to deal with a guy.. uuh... unless he happens to want to go to shows with me and party with me and stuff :) hahaa... see how that all works out?
SO there ya go. Thanks to all my friends and family who were there for me throughout it all. I had such an amazing support group. :)
Oh - and if you find this and you're going through something similar... I recommend repeating this to yourself on a daily (if not hourly) basis to help yourself constantly gain a healthy perspective on it all:
SHIT HAPPENS.
It does... shit happens and then guess what? It gets better. I promise :)
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keywords: breakup, matt, ex-boyfriend, seperation, split-up, broken heart, moving out, etc. :)
